Why The Naughty Are Given Lumps Of Coal
… It’s Way Less “Medieval” Than Asbestos!
Once upon a time, long ago, as far as you know, there was a meeting up at the North Pole which did much to bring joy and harmony to a cold, difficult world.
It was right around this time, just after Santa and his crew had knocked out another world tour on Christmas Eve. It was the annual Kringle Debriefing, in which jolly ol’ Saint Nick reviewed with elf management how the year had gone, and made plans for improvements for the following year.
(I believe the following year was 1228, or something. I forget.)
Anyway, the report from the Naughty List Committee (NLC) was the real show-stopper.
“We might be taking things a bit too far with the Naughty List,” began Coffer, the elf who was, at that time, head of the NLC. “It seems our punishment-related gifts are actually causing serious illnesses, and, well, death.”
A panicked murmur went around the table. “Silence!” said the Big Man. “Just what do you mean?’
“Well,” said Coffer, “as you know, for the past couple of centuries, we’ve been leaving lumps of asbestos in the stockings of bad little Naughty Listers.”
“So?”
“Well, Santa, you see, we just got some bad news form R&D. It turns out that asbestos, while it’s ugly enough to serve as a wonderful gift for Naughty Listers on its face, actually can… can…”.
“Go on.”
“… Can kill you.”
Another murmur.
“How can this be?” said Santa. “We never got complaints before.”
“That’s because it takes a while for the ugly stuff to do the deed,” Coffer said. “Our Research Department – which, as you know, stays about 700-800 years ahead of the best research outfits down south, has discovered that asbestos can break into tiny little shards that float around in the air and get into your lungs.”
“So?”
“So… if you inhale enough of those little shards, they impale themselves irremovably in your lungs and cause a disease scientists will one day call mesothelioma, for which there will not be a cure.”
“I don’t see the biggie,” Santa said. “Why don’t people just get outside when they see these ‘shards,’ as you call them, and wait until the air is clear?”
“The shards are microscopic.”
“Mica – what?”
“Microscopic. It means they can’t be seen without something scientists will one day invent called a microscope. And they can’t be detected in any other way, either… you can’t smell ‘em, taste ‘em, feel ‘em, or even hear ‘em.”
“Can’t people just open windows and air the place out?”
“No, Sir, I’m afraid that won’t do it. R&D says the place has to be professionally tested and then professionally abated, and neither of those processes will be invented for several centuries. Oh, in the future, there will be handsome, attractive, expert asbestos abatement pros… but today, no such luck.”
“I see,” said Santa. He sat back and stroked his white beard.
“We did find a suitable alternative,” Coffer offered. “It’s called coal, and as far as we can tell, it’s perfectly safe. At least, it’s safer than asbestos. And something called the EPA hasn’t been invented yet, either, so there’s no regulation against it.”
And that’s why the NLC converted all Naughty List gifts to lumps of coal, which saved thousands of lives which were later lost to various plagues, but there was nothing they could do about those.
Happy Holidays from your friends at Asbestos Abatement, Inc! Yes, we jest, in keeping with the festive mood of the season… but asbestos poisoning is no laughing matter. If you suspect you might have airborne asbestos at your place, we can refer you to a professional tester, and if you do have a problem, we can solve it for you. Don’t delay! And have the merriest of holiday seasons. Ho, ho, ho!
